16 July, 2012

Michael Bugard

Who are you?:

I am Michael Bugard. I am just a guy who goes through life hearing his name mispronounced. It rhymes with the words "you guard". But with a B. Think byou-guard. Not Buttgard, Boogergard, Beauregard, Bogard, Bogart, or especially not Buggered. Often times people just refer to me as "that asshole." I am very excited to be posted here next to Cleve Hall, with whom I and Bruce Campbell share a birthday.

1. What are the top two questions you're sick of being asked - and, their answers?

Q) "Do you have a personal relationship with God?" A) "Yea, verily, and forsooth, for I am the Messiah and I have come unto thee! Let my Father's divine Power and Glory penetrate thee."
Q) "I don't feel anything - are you sure it's all the way in?" A) "Yea, verily, and forsooth, for I am the Messiah and I have come unto thee! Let my Father's divine Power and Glory penetrate thee."

2. What celebrity (that you have no ties with) would you blink out of existence if you could? Why?

Bob Seger! His song "Old Time Rock and Roll" is as intolerant and narrow-minded as the KKK anthem. He is a pretender to, and usurper of, the mantle of Ann Arbor's Favorite Son which rightfully belongs to Iggy Pop. My innocence and childhood were taken from me when he raped me. With his music.

3. When a song that you know, but dislike, comes one- do you still sing to it?

Only if I know the Weird Al version.

4. Have you ever had the pleasure of running into a wall, door, screen, window, or sliding door?

Only on most days. Recently I ran into a pole and split my head open while closely studying a cheese label in the grocery store. Laughter flowed from my friend and fellow actor, Katie Oliver, as the blood flowed from my forehead and onto the floor behind me.

5. Do you still play video games?

No. Not enough time to do that and watch porn.

6. Is there another celebrity that people say you look like?

Um, I'm not a celebrity. When I was younger I was consistently told that I looked like River Phoenix. Then he died and I got old. Now much to my dismay I'm told that I look like Michael Stipe or Billy Corgan, when I'm really wishing that someone would tell me that I look like Michel Foucault or Dr. Sivana. A friend told me that I look like James Carville. This really depresses me, as it suggests that I would be willing to bang the late Molly Ivins.

7. A rough estimate of how many different words you know for 'breasts:'

I can't count that high, but then again I did attend public school. My favorite is Oompa Loompas because I adore watching Kate Winslet dressed as a nun giving phone sex lessons in an episode of "Extras". "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa-Loompas."

8. If the human race was obliterated and you were the sole survivor, how long do you think you'd survive?

Long enough to have a hermaphroditic metamorphosis and impregnate myself, thus repopulating the Earth with my inbred seed.

9. Worst place you've ever eaten?

On the set of "Real Steel." It brought a tear to my eye as I waxed nostalgic for jail food.

10. Do you use hand sanitizer?

Fuck no, I have an immune system. Hand sanitizer is a useless product sold by the use of vulgar manipulation and preying on people's overly-paranoid, media-generated germophobia.

Shameless self promotion/shout outs/any last words:

Find me at www.facebook.com/mbugard and www.twitter.com/mbugard. Please support my work, not because it's good, I just don't want to grow up and get a job!

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